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Angry Birds vs. Clash of Clans

I've noticed that some upstart named Clash of Clans has said to be the "next Angry Birds". As a hardcore fan, of course I was instantly enraged. This excuse of a "strategy game" is a collosial waste of time. In Angry Birds, you apply physics with the diffrent forces. For example, Hal is light and has more weight on his body side than his beak side. That is why he rotates. Most of Terence's weight is on his body, which is why HE doesn't rotate or fly as high. In Clash of Clans, you learn nothing. It's just a clone of a game called Backyard Monsters where you create you're own village. You upgrade, upgrade, and upgrade. You get nowhere. Upon "beating" the game you have no acomplishment. You still get attacked and you can't even save your progress unless you connect to google, which of course meant for the game to take all of my 4G data. In strength wise, these characters have no match for the Angry Birds. Searching online, I gathered this information:

Round 1

Barbarians - Easily killed. No match for defense. Won't. Get. Back. Up.

Red - Never gives up. Eliminates all enemies. Gets eggs.

Round 2

Archers - Does... 8-14 damage? Eh. Weak.

The Blues - In Angry Birds Epic, they can deal as much to 100s of damage. Think of how much of these "archers" they could kill.

Round 3

Giants- They can die. Strong, but they can die.

Terence - Don't even question. He's like a boulder. Boulders can't die.

Round 4

Goblins - Weaklings. Greedy for loot and yet they run so slow compared to...

Chuck - Can take a drink, do a crossword puzzle, lounge, and then save a friend who was falling from a cliff the whole time in less than a few seconds. I think we know who wins here.

Round 5

Wall Breakers - They need the bomb to break those walls.

Bomb - Explode the walls? Dude, I already BROKE those walls.

Round 6

Pigs - Okay, I admit. Pigs are not good balloonists.

Ballons - I grudge this. I really do.

Round 7

Wizards - Please. They go for the wrong stuff, and they die SO easily. Really???

Chuck - In Angry Birds Epic, Chuck can deal hundreds of damage to multiple characters at the SAME TIME. Get out, wizards.

Round 8

Healers - 14 POINTS OF HEALING? Girl, i'm just going to go to Matilda

Matilda - Hundreds of points of healing. Ah, that's better.

Round 9

Dragons - Lights things on fire? I don't see anything in flames. I really don't.

Mighty Dragon - Destroy everything. Leave charred remains and corpses.

Round 10

P.E.K.K.A - FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS JUST A COPY OF D.A.V.E, A CHARACTER FROM BACKYARD MONSTERS. It's just a robot with a metal sword. Oh right. Since when did they have that stuff in MEDIVAL TIMES? Case closed. Consistancy rate is at negative numbers.

Red - Here's a REAL night from medival times. (AB Epic) You're welcome.

Round 11

Minions - They get things done? Come on. They're wasting all this "precious dark elixer" to destroy buildings. Aren't they just giving it do them?"

Minion Pigs - They built thousands of structures in less than 5 years. Productivity Rate over 9000.

Round 12

Hog Riders - This makes me question the whole game. The walls look tall enough to jump over. Why doesn't EVERYONE do that?

Hal - More swift, more elegant, and a much better dodger. Pfft, you pigs need to get out of here. Well, not you pigs. The hogs.

Round 13

Valkries - They need a HAMMER to do damage? Oh, so it's like take away the hammer and they're useless.

Dahlia - She can do the same exact thing at her own will. That's pretty awesome enough.

Round 14

Witch - Can raise the dead. Great. Until you realize she's sending her own kids to death sentence.

Necromancer Pig - Can raise the dead. All of it. Not just his own children, unlike SOMEBODY. Ahem, ahem.

Round 15

Golem - Isn't that the same thing those rock walls are made out of? Again, why can't they just break him apart?

Stella - She doesn't need miniature versions. She can do parkour. Case closed.

Round 16

Lava Hounds - Attacks the thing attacking it. Sure, why not?

Willow - Attacks anything that she prefers to. It's common sense, people.

Round 17

Barbarian King - He can die.

Mighty Eagle - Don't get me started. He. is. LEGENDARY.

So I hope you enjoyed this very UNBIASED comparison of Angry Birds and Clash of Clans!

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